A little while ago I met with my own life coach and spiritual director. I filled her in on all the "happenings" of the recent week, and they were big ones. I changed jobs (yes, even positive change is hard) and packed up my office. We moved my dad into a care facility. And our very dear friend died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack.
During that week, I was fully aware at one point my mind took over and I went into auto pilot mode. Problem solving mode. Advocacy, care giving and "get 'er done" mode. Turns out, I am really good in a crisis situation. Who knew? At one point I felt my mind consciously separate from my body and heart: "Let's do this. You've got this. Power through."
I've done this before. I specifically remember when my mom was dying. I was with her when she coded in the hospital and I remember saying to myself, "You're going to need therapy later, when the time is right...but right now, you know what to do. Let's do this." And I did.
That later of therapy turned out to be nine months after my mom passed away.
So, back to the other day with my spiritual director.
That particular day, as I was recounting all the "happenings" to her, I was flying on adrenaline. And I knew it. Blurting it all out. Upbeat voice and pace. I said I know this is a lot. I've separated my mind from my body. But I'm not ready to go there yet. I will someday, but not now.
She took a breath and said, "I want to hold up a mirror. This is a lot."
Immediately, tears welled up in my eyes. They flowed. Argh. How desperately I wanted them to stop! It is way more comfortable to function on auto pilot, you know what I mean? To disassociate. For me, tears are scary. They make me feel out of control and vulnerable.
If you're like me, you push the feelings down, swallow the tears away, and buck up! That's what we've been trained to do.
But...she held up a mirror, named it, and tapped into something real...something true and deep. She made the space for me to let it flow. And once I surrendered, with her encouragement, I sobbed. And you know what? I felt better. A sense of release and relief and re-grounding. Thank you, Coach.
Change is so hard and sad. Life can be so much. There is loss. There is fear. So OF COURSE there are times....probably more often than not, we will and/or could be brought to tears. And it is ok. Tears are healing and good. And they don't last forever.
I've had this variation on the beloved song from "Frozen" running through my mind.
I sing it from the depths of my soul to yours...
"Let it go...let them flow...don't hold them back anymore!
Let them flow...let them flow...look inside, open the door..."
I'm not saying it's easy. It seems I've had more to cry about lately. It's just this season of life. And even after that healing cry I just shared about, I'm still reluctant to go there. To "let it flow". But the other day I couldn't help it. They were flowing! And you know what? It made me feel human. They're a little release on the valve of emotions. And we can carry on. Together. Seeing each other, listening and making that sacred space to let it go and let it flow.
Peace and love,